A piece of Velcro inside a prisoner’s penis.
A fingerling potato in a woman’s uterus.
“A woman came in complaining of pain in her uterus. She eventually admitted that a few months ago she and her boyfriend wanted to have sex but didn’t have any contraceptives so they improvised and used a FINGERLING POTATO. By the time she came into the clinic it had taken root in her uterus and had actually sprouted a leaf that could be seen at her cervix.”
Dentures in a man’s throat.
“We had a patient constantly spitting up really thick white sputum and unable to eat. We had an endoscopy performed on him and it turns out the patient had swallowed his DENTURES. They were just hanging out in his throat, somehow not choking him to death.”
A ham sandwich underneath a woman’s boob.
A swimming pool noodle in a man’s rectum.
“My first night as an ER tech, a guy came waddling in and wouldn’t initially tell us what happened. Once we got him back, he told us that he had slipped while lounging by the pool and there was an ENTIRE POOL NOODLE shoved about seven inches up his rectum.”
Popcorn kernels in a little kid’s ear.
“We anesthetized a 7-year-old who couldn’t hear out of one ear so the doctor could get a better look in it. She pulled out not one, but THREE unpopped popcorn kernels. The kid swore he’d never seen them before.”
A Yankee candle in a man’s rectum.
A dozen nuts and bolts in a man’s bladder.
“In San Francisco in the 1980s, a guy came into the ER with pain above his pubic bone. The X-ray showed something suspicious. The surgeon removed a dozen nuts and bolts from his bladder. There’s only one way for those to get in there.”
A screw driver in someone’s colon.
“A screw driver in their colon that had been hanging out in there for about a month. It required surgery to remove. It was a Phillips head…”
A googly eye in a girl’s ear.
A porcelain pig in an elderly man’s rectum.
“When I was in school to become a medic, our trauma instructor told a story about an elderly gentleman who had a porcelain pig stuck in his rectum.”
Potato salad in a woman’s vagina.
“My friend’s mom was a nurse for many years and she said the strangest thing she saw was a girl who came in because her boyfriend had stuffed her vagina with potato salad.”
A butternut squash in a man’s rectum.
“My dad used to work as an EMT in his early twenties. One night they brought a man in who had a whole-ass butternut squash up his rectum. His excuse when they asked how it had gotten up there? He claimed to have been gardening. Naked. At 12 o’clock in the morning.”
A bike pump in a man’s rectum.
A bottle cap in a man’s throat.
“I had a patient who had a bottle cap stuck in his throat. He didn’t even feel it in there. We had to use a small medical net to fish it out. When we told him, he suddenly remembered drinking some water three days priors and not being able to find the cap.”
A goldfish in a woman’s vagina.
“I used to be a 911 operator. I once took a call for a lady with a goldfish stuck in her vagina. No idea if it was alive or dead when it went in, but she couldn’t get it out because the scales were facing the wrong way.”
A cheeseburger in a woman’s vagina.